Run the Hell away:

(Not literally of course, but I do feel strongly, that those borderline angry conversations are massive traps. Do not do it!)

Let’s face it. You’re responsible for leading people and getting work done. For managing through challenging times, making tough choices and creating value. Sometimes, the pressure and competing priorities result in pissed off people and borderline angry conversations.

If you want a relationship (with an employee, or co-worker, friend or family member) to grow stronger and be more productive long-term, then there is only one option…

DO NOT initiate those edgy, almost angry (could get there easily) conversations!

Run.

Think about it. How many times have you ever experienced good results from those big ‘ol brutal conversation? Maybe at work? Home? As a volunteer?

The evidence that supports my conclusion rests in my experience (and yours too I bet), as well as neuroscience, of all things.

The evidence really does rest in between my ears, and yours. Our brains are wired to trip us up every time we try to get into these kinds of conversations. Here (more or less), is how it works:

Let’s highlight two areas of the brain that are important for our discussion. First, the Limbic area, which includes the Amygdala, Hippocampus and Basal Ganglia. It is sometimes called the seat of emotion. Secondly, the Prefrontal Cortex, which is used in conscious activities like self-control, dealing with people (constructively), planning… the rational stuff.

Now, to the fun:

• Our brains process a challenge to our social status or relevance the same way that it would if we were being threatened with physical harm.
• It is almost impossible to have very, very difficult conversations without challenging someone’s sense of social status. Period.
• When our social status is challenged, the limbic system goes to work in an effort to assess and protect us from the “danger” that threatens us. Of particular note is the Amygdala, which dictates our “fight or flight” response.
• When the Amygdala gets revved-up, the Pre-frontal cortex is robbed of resources (blood, glucose etc…) and our ability to rationalize, think creatively, and problem-solve evaporate.

Need more proof?

Have you ever thought, “why didn’t I say…” after you’ve cooled down from a fiery chat? Of course you have. Why? Because your Amygdala took over at the expense of all of the resources you needed to have a great conversation.

Ever lost your cool and later thought “why did I get so upset?” Yes? See above.

What about forgetting key data or evidence during a rough and tumble conversation? See above.

Ever damaged a relationship, long-term, because of your actions or inaction during hard conversations? Damaged your career prospects? Why? See above.

If it gets down to “fight or flight” your best option is number two. Just run the hell away!